Saturday 13 February 2016

Valentines Day

Nowadays I don't really take much notice of Valentines day. Don't get me wrong I love romance, but don't see why it should be just displayed for one specific day a year only.  Love shouldn't be forced into a public display of who got the best red roses, or got whisked away for an overpriced stay in a hotel because its Valentines day. Its a private thing between two (or more - I'm open minded!) people.
Thing is when you are single any special day can make you feel as low and unloved as Valentines day. Going to weddings with no plus one, being the odd one out at meals, going home to an empty house, no one to curl up to on the sofa at Christmas to watch old movies with. Any day can feel like a dagger to your heart not just the one special day of seeing everyone else's roses and chocolate pictures on social media.
God I'm coming across all miserable and depressed ! The thing is I am not. Well I don't think I am.Or am I ? Who knows ! What I do know is my head and heart sends me mixed messages all the time.
Yes I do want someone in my life, full time, committed to a life together as a couple.
But I also worry or panic about loosing my independence. My me time. Those days I can just sit around all day with my hair pulled back in a ponytail, in tracksuit bottoms and sloppy top, just being me. When I can watch trash on the tele, or eat chocolate or cry for no reason without being questioned as to why.
I never feel lonely in those moments. I just feel like I'm chilling out, relaxing,  zoning out from this crazy fast paced world we live in.
But then sometimes I worry about spending the rest of my days alone. Becoming a recluse with only the tv and internet as her friends.
Maybe I am hard work ! My brain cant seem to cope with me so how could anyone else ! Maybe I put too much pressure onto something being perfect. Looking for that connection on a higher level than just two people who get on. Should I still be craving and searching for that heart warming feeling, that butterflies in your tummy feeling at my age? Should I just settle for someone I get on with?
And that my friends is the million dollar question !