Sunday 30 September 2012

A grown up goodbye

Sometimes things happen for a reason. And other times things don't happen for a reason. Its sad when all your initial hopes and dreams fall down around you, but its better to be honest with each other, wish each other well and move along.
The important thing when this happens is how you deal with it. Act like a grown up, no matter how much it upsets you, or winds you up or makes you feel depressed and a failure or rejected. There is nothing worse than a bad parting, no matter how short or long the length of time you have known each other. No one plans to let someone down, or dash their dreams. In short its just life and another twist in the road.
Two people who continue blindly with a relationship, even in its early stages, just to try and prove a point, or just because they don't want to be alone are just lying to each other and themselves. Eventually it will fall apart, and further down the line is always more emotional. Why lie about your beliefs or feelings ? It always comes out in the end. Be truthful to yourself and treat others as you wish to be treated.

Don't reduce yourself to trading insults or accusing others of leading you on. Be graceful in defeat and just reflect on it as a short detour to your final destination.
I have met a lot of nice guys over the last few years, but for whatever reason we have not continued onto a lasting romance. Each one is a new chapter in my life story, a short paragraph or a whole section. No one knows where we will end up as we all walk this life not knowing what or who is around the corner.


So here's a big thanks to all the nice guys I have met, and wish them well in their lives. They have all influenced me in some way or another and helped me find my true path.

Tuesday 25 September 2012

Lessons about myself.

Its been about 2 Years since I started online dating (this time around!) and looking back I can say I have learnt plenty about mankind and myself. I've never claimed to be perfect, or whiter than white, I'm just your average girl looking for her Mr Right. I chose to meet people via the internet as my lifestyle and friend network means its probably the only way I can meet potential mates. Its not as if I'm in my twenties and can go out trawling the clubs and bars anymore. Well if I did I would look like Mrs Robinson searching for her graduate!
I have tried various sites, and even paid for one subscription, against my better judgement. I am of the belief that why should I line someones pockets with money because my sad specimen of a love life needs help. So I flatly refuse to pay another penny to a dating site. Besides, most of the so called matches I saw on my profile were either miles and miles away or I had previously spotted their pictures on the other free sites.

So what have I learnt about myself. Well I'm a bit of a dreamer- I still believe my prince will come and rescue me from my solitude. I am impatient- I want him to be here now, and when he does turn up I want it all to happen straight away! I get carried away with my dreams and just want to get to the happy ever after rather than living the long fairy tale with all the twists and turns. But I am also a realist- I realise I am not perfect, and I do not expect my prince to be so either. We all have our faults, our quirks (I probably have a fair few), and its all about accepting the minor dents in someone if the bigger picture is worth it.  I'm too forgiving- I always give people probably more chances than they should have. I treat every new person to enter my life as a clean slate and trust them from the start. Maybe I'm too trusting and should be a bit more careful with whom I let into my inner circle. I think too much, I read far too much into texts or conversations. I think this is just something all women do, and I have now got this under control. You can send yourself crazy wondering what someone is implying, in the end you just have to ask or forget about reading into things. I am happy in my own company, I don't need to be with someone 24/7, I enjoy my peace and quiet. I find peace tending to my small garden and reading. It may make me sound old but its a dam sight more enjoyable than watching the tele every night.
I am more at one with my intuition, my inner me. I listen more to those nagging feelings that before I would have ignored. I normally know when something is off kilter before I get told. I can be moody sometimes, but that is a woman's born right! We are allowed to be! Although it does take a lot to wind me up or annoy and upset me, so I am quite placid. But as anyone who knows me will tell you I do fire up when I'm pushed. I can be quite passionate about my beliefs and defending my honour.
Above all I have come to realise that I am me, and there is nothing wrong with me. If something doesn't work out the way I would like, it isn't because I am a bad person, or impossible to get along with. Its just that it wasn't meant to be. The friendship has run its course and fate or destiny have something bigger in mind for me. I try not to get down over lost chances, and always look for the next door to open. Looking back is something we all do. I look back at my past and places I have been, and remember them for opportunities to visit places rather than look back and remember the person I went there with.
I believe in me. And that's the only way I can keep my heart from breaking every time a relationship crashes and burns. If you don't love yourself how can you expect anyone else to love you ? I refuse to turn into a man hater with a stone cold black heart. My heart will always be open, as you never know who is waiting around the corner for your smile.


Sunday 16 September 2012

Children- present and potential.

Its funny how when looking through peoples online profiles that even at the tail end of my 30's there is a wide spectrum on the offspring front. By that I mean some guys hitting there 40's don't have any children (well none they admit to or know about) whilst others have 1 or 2 or a few more. Like it or not the subject of Children is always going to come up. If you are a parent you know how important they are in your life, and thus how big a deal it is to any potential relationship.
For starters its trying to juggle being with your kids and having a dating life or free time. We all feel bad going out and leaving them with a babysitter or home alone if they are old enough. But we realise we need to meet our potential mate without the influence or distraction of the mini you around. You can't get to know someone if either of you are distracted by the kids. A friend of mine had a first date with a guy who bought along his two children, both preschool age, and she had to duck the toys that were being hurled at her!
Secondly if one of you doesn't have kids it is somewhat difficult to explain why you cant just drop everything and go away on a romantic weekend break at the last minute. If you are anything like me I would love to be whisked away. But it takes planning- days or weeks of begging a grandparent (or ex) to have the kids for you, making sure the children don't see it as some sort of abandonment of them for your potential new love interest (believe me I've had that accusation thrown at me a few times- and not just by my daughter!) and getting over your own guilty feelings of putting yourself first for once.
Now factor in the potential of you both having children from previous relationships. This adds in another hurdle for date availability. As a rule most fathers have their kids weekends, or every other, most mothers have the kids during the week. So someone has to be the one to leave the kids at home. I have always tried to have date nights on my free nights as I hate leaving my daughter as she is growing up way way too fast (I heard the phrase love bite mentioned in conversation with a group of her mates- now I'm getting scared!) But when free time is limited sometimes you have to grab any chance you have. Otherwise my life becomes an endless cycle of up before 6am, walk dog, go to work, come home, cook,clean, help with homework, food shop, walk dog, catch an hour of t.v. or read then bed. And repeat . All work and no play definitely makes Bonnie a dull girl !!
But when do you introduce the kids and the match (or not match usually in my case)? Well the last imposter (I will call him that because he was no real man, just a spineless jerk who played the game and told me what I would want to hear) suggested an early meet as he was of the belief that if him and said teenager didn't get on then it would be a stumbling block in the potential relationship. I can see that as a valid option, as I have been in that position many years ago. When children are younger they do become possessive and see a new adult in their parents life as a threat to the love their parent has to give. That's when you have issues to deal with which can make or break even the strongest relationship. Luckily as my daughter has got older all she cares about is if her mother is available to ferry her around for her social life, which is way better than mine was as a teenager and better than mine is even now! I'm more of the thinking that you need to get to know each other first before you introduce the two sections of your life. You have to feel sure they wont run at the first temper tantrum thrown by either you or your child, and that all concerned can get on well.
At some point the question will be asked about future children. Do you both want more or is that just one sided. This part of the children issue is always where I pre-judge if I should even talk to a new mate. I would in my heart love another child, but I always said I wouldn't until I had my daughter more often (I have a split custody with her father). But as the years went on and I had my daughter more, I was never with the right guy (or even a guy) to even contemplate bringing another child into the world. Now unfortunately I have to deal with the fact its pretty much an impossibility for me to become a mother again. I have spent a number of years coming to terms with this fact, that unless I spend a whole heap of money, and time and heartbreak, I am not able to have any more children. But the hardest part is telling a suitor of this fact. When do you bring that up in the conversation? Too soon is too heavy, too far in is too late. Its a make or break question- "do you want more or any children?"  Because of this I have tended to avoid dating guys who do not already have kids. I don't want to tell them that if they stick with me they are unlikely to be a dad. Due to this I have narrowed down my potential matches. Maybe I'm cutting out a few love interests. I should really be brave and ask these guys before I meet them if children are a major factor in their future. So from now on I won't dismiss these guys, I will ask a few questions and see if they are man enough to take on a woman who has everything to give them except an heir to their kingdom.