Boys -how not to do it!

Browsing my usual dating sites today and attracted the attention of a man. Got me thinking about first messages and how you have to try and be interesting and stand out. Now there are some things that are boring on a first message
"Hi- you look nice. How are you?"
Not really gonna grab my attention and make me think you actually bothered to read my profile!
So I'm all for new and varied ways that a guy tries to impress you with his first message. Today though I received one from this guy that went the other way:

"Hi, I am Mike, you look very naughty lady...lol
I love drinking red wine and chill...
And I like tattoos, have you got any in private parts too?lol..
Perhaps we can go out for a drink?"

My reply- straight and to the point
"Oh dear"

Honestly it actually wasn't the worst I have been asked- try this for size
"If a stranger asked you to strip naked and sit on his face and fart on him what would you do?"

I swear that's a message I received from a guy on line I had never spoken to before in my life! Had to have a chuckle. But boys/men however you try to  impress me or any other ladies do not start with that or any other questions about her private parts or her favourite position! Well not unless she states on her profile she wants strangers to talk dirty to her straight off and is looking for something shallow that only lasts one night!

No pecker pictures please!

I've been Internet dating for far too long so have built up a picture of certain types of blokes, I tend to be able to spot them a mile off nowadays, but back in the innocent early days I wasn't so clever (and to be honest even now I slips through the net as this blog shows!)
The thing with Internet dating is that we all look at the pictures on someones profile first before even thinking about what sort of person they are, what they want from a relationship and life in general. Some people don't have profile pictures, nowadays I don't even give them the time of day. There is no excuse not to have a picture on your p.c or phone. If you are capable enough to write your own profile, you can surely upload a photo- its not rocket science! But in the beginning (OK and sometimes now!) if someone wrote me a message and said they could send me a picture to my email address then I used to say okay. (apparently people don't want their friends to know they use theses sites! I think the real reason is something entirely different!)
So what tends to happen when I receive these emails I hear you ask? Well as with most normal emails you download the picture and it blows up to full screen size- and there in front of you is someones face that normally gives you the reason they have no photo on line- yep its Shrek in real life! Now I'm no model and I don't pretend to be stunningly beautiful but come on lads do you really think I will be interested in you!? I know we all want to aim higher but Jesus! Its demoralizing and Im then faced with the problem that they not only have my email address (I have now set up a seperate one with no attachment to my own real name!) but they also now want to know what you thought of their picture. Its so hard not to just say exactly ehat you think, because at the end of the day thats someone face and they have to look at it every day in the mirror. So you have to be diplomatic (not my strong point!) and just say Im sorry I dont think you are my type and hope they dont go all nutty on you and start insulting you!

Now there is another side to pictures that are sent on email or via text. Sometimes certain men believe you want to see other parts of their anatomy apart from their faces. Now I'm no prude but I for one don't find blokes willys remotely attractive! They are a practical performance related piece of kit, not a pretty object to photograph and hang above the fire place (although some guys I have met I'd love to hang said body piece around their own necks !)  What you do with them is my concern, but I don't want to see their smiling faces on my mobile screen!
Some guy the other day took it upon himself to send me such pictures. His profile picture on line was a bit dark and not clear so when he offered to send some to me directly I agreed (stupidly) but pointed out I didn't want any rude ones. Okay to be fair the first 3 had a towel hanging off his dongle but I felt he had still overstepped the mark! I told him I wanted to see his face not his favourite part of himself! As is the usual trend this guy then started asking when he could meet me and tell me what he could do to make me smile . I pointed out to him he knew nothing about me and was obviously only interested in gaining more notches on his bed post. No he replied - I really like you. (he had no idea about me at all- he hadn't asked a single question about me except where did I live and when was I free!) So to prove his point that he was interested in me as a person he did what any bloke would do- he sent another picture! This time no towel hid his weapon - and as my friend pointed out (come on you guys must realise if you send a picture like that when we dont want it we will share it with all our friends) he must have spent hours polishing it ! You could see his reflection on it!
I ignored him after that for a few days, then one day he sent a text saying Morning how are you? Thinking maybe he had realised the error of his ways I responded "I'm good thanks how are you?" The replied came back as one word -"hard"  And with that he proved I was right all along! Only one word to describe men like him "cock!"

The Octopus Postman

Now this is a situation I found myself in many many years ago in a previous internet dating time life! As usual I had got chatting to this guy and he seemed nice, although in hindsight I can see the obvious flaws!
I discovered before meeting him that
a- he was a postman
b- he didn't drive
c- he only lost his virginity in his mid 20's.
Now there is nothing wrong with those points as a rule- but put together in a guy who I was to meet ,was not a good combination!!

I drove down to Burnham on Crouch to meet him (maybe another flag to have spotted!) and pulled up at the side of the road to call him. Shortly later I spotted a Guy walking down the road with a trench coat on and my heart dropped. There's something slightly creepy about a man in a long coat - and as I was discover what lay underneath was even worse! Yet again the curse of the Cords struck me! This time coupled with a paisley shirt- tucked in to said cords! Yuk yuk Yuk YUK !
I wanted to abandon all hope but he had seen me so I couldn't just drive off! So we drove down to the town and parked up. We went for a walk along the sea wall (with anyone else this would have been nice ) and within minutes he was grabbing my hand and my face!! Oh god it was awful! He grabbed me by my face and promptly tried to kiss me! Oh god I wanted to chuck up there and then!
After a short walk we went to a pub for a drink - I hoped for some respite from the groping!  He kept sidling up to me and holding my leg, touching my face etc. So I had to change tactic to get away. I started yawning constantly and talking about my ex (my ex did this, we did that oh he was so good blah blah blah) Most guys would be turned off by this, but the octopus didn't take the hint! Eventually I had to just say ' I'm sorry I'm really tired- I need to go home'. So I finally escaped his clutches and drove 45 minutes home.
Once home I text him to say thanks for the evening. He asked to see me again the next day- I refused by saying ' I'm sorry but your not my type, I didn't see any attraction'. His response 'Can we be f@@k buddies instead then?'  Oh my God! Shocking behaviour !
In the end I had to block this guy on the site , on messenger, e-mail and mobile - he just wouldn't leave me alone!
Thank god my experiences back then didn't put me off men for life! Although sometimes I wonder if that would have been better!

Male fantasies

It has recently been discovered by a survey carried out (my own intensive research !) that most men on line seem to all have one thing in common. A certain fantasy.  Now I'm no prude- and certainly wouldn't knock anyone with a good imagination- but its getting boring hearing it now!
Its not like I ask the blokes outright "What is your fantasy ?" On a fair amount of occasions it gets bought up in conversation . Okay maybe I'm slightly at fault if I let the topic slope off towards the gutter- but we are all human after all!
So I hear you ask- What is this usual fantasy? Its basis is spawned from the nature of Internet dating- basically until you meet in person you are both strangers to each other. So you know loads about each other (including stupid random information that even couples who have been together for years probably don't know about the other half), and you have normally seen a few pictures on line, but apart from that are strangers.
The answer is Sex with a stranger. Most guys who bring the whole fantasy issue up normally say they want to have an intimate encounter with a woman they have never met before. Most go as far as saying they would prefer it if the woman doesn't even turn round when the bloke walks into the room, so she doesn't get to see who it is (slight issue with this that springs to mind- what if someone else does walk in by mistake! Could be very embarrassing!).
My response when asked if I would like to help them with their quest for their fantasy fulfilment- "Sorry mate-That's what hookers are for!"
"Oh and be more imaginative!"

An act of revenge

I know this is supposed to be a Blog about my dating disasters but I thought today Id tell you all about an act of revenge I carried out a fair few years back. I'm not a complete bunny boiler, just tend to act first and think later. Every now and again I remember the actions I took and it still makes me smile.
I had been in a relationship with a guy for a few years and we had even bought a house together (those who know me will know who this is!). I was completely blind to the blatantly obvious signs that something was going on behind my back, so when it ended I was slightly shocked. After a few weeks of denial and a month or two of him coming round and in hindsight playing one off against the other it all came to a head one night. I don't remember what started it, I do remember being very upset and angry. To the point that my neighbour who was a friend of mine knocked on the door to check I was OK. I'd called my mum and she was on her way round to collect some of my stuff for me to move out for a while. So whilst mum went off with my stuff in her car I turned to my friend and said ' If you weren't here Id be doing some crazy crap right now'. Her response, as all good friends would of said was ' Don't let me stop you!'
First thing in my eye line was his work boots -' Oo I just need a wee!' I told her and whisked the boots off to the bathroom with me. When I returned downstairs with a grin on my face I then went to the kitchen and filled the kettle with apple sour shots and the iron with Vodka. I then decided to return upstairs and throw his boxers out of the windows and into the trees down the side of the house in full Neighbours view. My last act was to pick up his other pair of work boots and fill the toe end of one with Tomato Ketchup!
All immature stuff but helped my initial anger!
As I was showing my friend the Ketchup, the target for my attack turned up on the doorstep ( the door was open for my mum to come and go). He muttered something about realising he couldnt stay in the house that night so had come to collect some clothes and stuff. I let him take his stuff, including both sets of work boots, and go on his way without yelling at him too much.
The following day whilst at work he came into the office to see me (I worked for his family business ) and said he knew what I had done to his boots as he had found the Ketchup so I shouldnt be looking so smug. When I looked down he was wearing the other pair ! For weeks after that I did smile to myself deep in the knowledge he was walking round in a pair of boots which had been soaked inside in my wee !
Just as an extra bonus moment I sat round the neighbours that afternoon and whilst chatting her door bell rang. She opened it to see the fellas younger sister on her door step - she was knocking on all the doors asking if anyone had seen her brothers pants!
I did on another occassion out of spite before I moved out that house for good, put prawns down the inside of the sofa and use his toothbrush for cleaning the bathroom (well only one particular part of the bathroom!)

Id like to say I would never do that type of thing again- but Id be lying! Ive read about many womens acts of revenge (including a woman who gave her cheating boyfriend a willy massage using green food dye!) and had many discussions with friends about what you could do.

The best form of revenge is always the ones they never find out about!

Ready to hit 2012 full on and a funny story from 2011 !

Well yesterday I took the advise of a good friend and had a spend up on some new clothes. Cant afford it but he if I want to catch the man of my dreams I wanna look good! I am making a pact with myself to make sure I get out with the girks at least once a month, even if its just a bottle or two round each others houses. Blokes may come and go (less of the go I hope) but your girlfriends always stay loyal.
So as I have no new stories to part with I thought Id bring one up from the past. Where to begin? ermmm how about with this one...
I had chatted to this guy on line and on the phone for a while. Seemed to have similar interests and got on famously on the phone (although I have now come to realise theres not many people I dont get on with- Im just a chatter box !) Although I had my doubts about his looks as his photos all seemed to vary I decided to take a chance and meet him.
He arrived 20 minutes late (at least I wasnt stood up- only happened to me once so far but thats another story!) after getting lost as he failed to charge his sat nav up before hand. He had informed me before we met that he was into retro clothes so it shouldnt have been a big shock. Except I wasnt expecting to see a man in Ligth brown cords, red t shirt far too short around his belly (not six pack!) get out of his car. There are only so many people who can pull off a 70s style football managers sheepskin coat and boy he wasnt one of them!
I tried my best to mask my dissappointment/shock (not too well it turns out apparently!) and we went to the pub for a drink (hoping no one I knew saw me ! Never picking my local again!). Tried to make small talk but I just couldnt muster much enthusiasm ! He also decided to make me feel more uncomfortable by grabbing my hand across the table and holding on to it. If I thought it couldnt get any worse it was about to.  On two occassions he left the table to go to the gents. No problem there, (would of been better if he didnt return!) but as he walked back to the table BOTH TIMES I could see dribble/wee marks down the front of his lovel cords. Oh god I didnt know where to look!
Needless to say the date didnt last long! I left to feed the dog (poor excuse I know!)