2017 in retrospect, the rough before the smooth.

Apologies for my absence again. I took a few months off from dating as it started to hit my confidence levels quite hard. Off the back of a toxic relationship and some health issues, dating was one drama I could do without. Looking back on my last blog in February I cant believe that was only this Year. I'd completely forgotten about a couple of those !

Since then what has happened- probably too many non progressing dates to be honest. I had a previous gentleman get back in touch, apologise for his disappearance overnight - we had met a couple of times and got on well, for him to then vanish. I told him I understood life gets in the way. I don't hold grudges. So we chatted again, and he vanished again ! Never mind. These things happen.
I also attempted a long distance relationship- the work of the armed forces kept him out the country literally a week after we met, then family holiday commitments both sides interfered with meeting up. We did get to go away for a weekend trip to a wedding, but once again the friendship zone hit, and we parted ways. Again I don't hold grudges. I want someone to be totally into me, to have the time in their life for me, to message me even just to say hi, and to include me in future events they have planned. And if its not right on one side then there is no point in holding on and wasting someones time. Both these guys I wish all the best in their lives, and I know they do with me too.

So I found myself on line again. And instantly regretted it. I caught the attention of a man who decided to try a different tact when chatting to me.
So this was how it started -

Turns out I had innocently forgotten to change my body shape on my profile. Now the options available are limited- literally -6 options-  rather not say, thin, athletic, average,few extra pounds , big & tall/BBW.  So I must have selected athletic when I'd originally set my profile up. Okay since then I may have added a few pounds , but I don't think its a massive misdemeanor as I'm still active .

But this guy took offence. He continued 

Seriously where does this guy get off ? ! I know I shouldn't have done but I bit, and I had to reply....

Ok , so I may have lied in that one - should read a curvy uk size 12. But on what planet does anyone have the right to insult someone like that? I took it to heart, and I admit I cried. After Years of dating and meeting people I have never felt so low as I did at that point. I like my curves- ok I have a few I would rather I didn't have- but don't we all! As we get older its not so easy to stay skinny as you did in your 20s.  . This photo is me just a few months ago.  A photographer friend of mine has even used my curves for an exhibition hes doing. I wish I could share the photos but they are under wraps for now. But I'm really pleased with his photos and that helped build my confidence back up. 

This man obviously has had some bad experiences and decided he would just verbally attack someone.  Thing is he was no oil painting himself. He looked like he had an obsession with sun beds, or an unhealthy addiction to laying in the sun. But his attitude was shocking. Its worrying to think he may be a father, and thinks its acceptable to show his son how to degrade women. 

But I put the upsetting incident behind me & didn't let it put me off. Guess what..........

I've finally found a good man !!!

I might even share our story some time with you ! 

a few recent interactions

Sorry for once again being absent. I've had a few things to deal with the last few months personally .But I'm back and decided on  a new take on the blog this year. Last few posts have been pretty reflective, but I want to get back to the craziness that is internet dating.  So I plan to update you weekly with a few of the mad things that people have said or claimed to be whilst chatting. Still without a new laptop (fairy godmother is in hiding , I keep asking for new shoes !) So I'm afraid no pictures. Besides ,I'm sure I would get into trouble for posting some of the photos I've been sent , or unmasking the naughty men who are cheating on their wives !
So here's a few gems from the last few weeks.


Diary entry 19th January:
So this week I've been asked to drive to Dunnow to meet a naked drunk guy who wanted me to get stoned with him ('its okay I'm an honest guy and will take you out for a meal next time ').
I've walked to the pub for a date with my dress tucked up under my short jacket and flashed my knickers to the whole world. Once there and on the date the guy kept saying he wanted more than one drink and asked if he could stay. I said no, he then held my hand and then when he dropped me off at the end of the road , had a snog and asked again to stay. Again no was the answer. The following day he tells me there was no spark . Funny that , I'm sure you would of found it if I'd said you could stay ! Stupid thing is his twin brother tried the same trick about 4 years ago !
Then we had the waterski instructor who is also a fireman who has been doing up a barn conversion, but all his photos of him aren't in the same type of surroundings as the 'professional ' looking ones of the barn interior. Seemed too good to be true.
Oh and lastly the young lads who I am old enough to be their mother and the comment that I look like a tonka toy you can't brake ! Not sure if the spelling mistake was intended but either way I'm still not sure if it was an insult or a compliment!



Diary 2nd February
This weeks gems include a guy who likes showing off on face time , and even when I told him no, still sends me a picture of him in and out of his tidy whities.  Then we have the astronaut who can't decide If he lives in Colchester or Ipswich, who only wants friends, but wants to meet up without trading numbers , in a pub and wants to smooch in the car and feel my curves afterwards !
And finally the one who wanted to meet for a drink. The policeman. Who as soon as he had my number he stopped messaging. I'm sure my numbers not on the most wanted list ! Oh and as a policeman he didn't know where my village was, even though it's just across a small creak to him !

Diary 11th February.

This week I have apparently been chatted up by one of the best looking guys who has ever ridden a moto gp bike. Mr playboy himself Randy de Puniet. Now ladies you need to Google him if you don't know who he is. He is gorgeous!  He is apparently now a fireman in London who is also a semi pro football player who only last week snapped his leg playing football ! I'm yet to find the source of the fake leg break picture !
Then we have the guy who says he's single , but both his and his fiancees Facebook profiles show,otherwise ( the secrets are uncovered when you trade mobile numbers that sync to your Facebook messenger ) . And finally the friend of a friend who is on tinder , but I know is married !

Oh the tales people tell !

I'm back !

Yes folks I'm back ! Sorry for the long delay in service. Its for two reasons. One, I started to feel like I was using this more to self analyse my life rather than it being about actual dates , and two, I did for a while start seeing someone. And as we know I then start to think its leading somewhere and then boom it falls out of the sky and I'm firmly back on the ground again rather than being on cloud nine. !
 Not that I'm sad and lonely or depressed about being single or hearing the Queen song going round in my head "another one bites the dust". To be honest I think I have had a lucky escape. Either I am far too analytical of people and their actions or this guy really did show his true colours underneath the peacock feathers.
As usual everything started very well. Dates out, giggles laughs , open communication lines. All the right noises being heard and smiles appearing. Then over time cracks started to appear in his stories. I never judge people by their financial situation. As long as you are holding your on who cares if you live in a castle or a bedsit. I rent my home so I never judge others on their living arrangements.  But this guy seemed to think he was above everyone else. Scoffed at people who in his words "had nothing- do you know they don't even own any property ". This guy in the beginning said he owned two properties, both that were being sold so he could have a fresh start. But within a short amount of time his empire suddenly crumbled. One house was given back to the bank as he claimed he would not have any profit due to it being his second property and having to pay capital gains tax. Then the second property was being repossessed by the bank. Even when he said he had sold the property he claimed the bank were taking him to court to repossess. Now I know these things can happen, but you have to be behind in your payments to get to this point. So maybe instead of taking me to view brand new cars and custom made bicycles he was looking at buying, he should of been concentrating on his predicament. One minute his mum was lending him the money for a new car (because a used Ford focus is a complete come down from driving a convertible Audi don't you know), the next shes had a car crash and cant lend him the money to clear the arrears as she needs a new car (isn't that what car insurance is for?)   I wont even start on the expensive motorbikes he claimed he owned and rode regularly with his dad (never in the three months I knew him) , or the problems he had with his tenants ( including not drying up their washing up and just leaving it on the draining board. I'm going to have to have another word with them.) or his obsessive need to write reviews on every place we went to in a very critical manner.
Suddenly in the midst of this drama he backs off and stops contact. He deletes his Facebook profile (fed up of seeing everyone else happy apparently.) and eventually claims he needed time out. So when we eventually talk I explain the two biggest pet hates of mine. Being cut off and being lied to. Does he listen ? NO ! No further contact for three more days until he says hes sold the flat again, and at no point asks how I am (even though I was awaiting some hospital results myself- that's another story- didn't even offer to go to my previous appointment with me !). Then nothing more. I gave up caring at that point. It suddenly became clear he was a self centered egotistical condescending idiot. How dare he comment on my parenting skills when he doesn't even see his own child, or complain I don't own sharp enough kitchen knives (ex chef apparently)

Blimey - I have just realised I have only just touched the surface with his stories ! Maybe they were all true. But at the end of the day I don't need or want to be judged by someone constantly who appears to claim god like status above us mere mortals.   So its back to the drawing board. begin the search again, although I'm starting to loose the will to live over it all ! More new clothes to buy for new dates, the highs and lows of spending time texting and then meeting up for it to not go anywhere. All the strange people and requests you get sent, the knack of trying to sell yourself without coming across as boring, the fear of the question "what do you do in your spare time" when you realise the answer is nothing ! I don't have interesting hobbies- I don't sky dive, or go urban climbing, or ride a motorbike, or even go to the gym! My life consists of work, dog walking, teenage daughter moanings, housework, reading and sofa surfing! What a catch I am !
Never fear though, at least I have you guys along for the ride to keep me company !

Footnote- need to buy a new laptop !mine is older than me and won't load any pictures to the blog sorry!

A clear head and an open heart

After a night out comes the hangover. A day wasted recovering. But the day after that is always a reflective one on my part. Not that I have done anything wrong on my night out. More that it sharpens my mind to how I waste time or energy on people who clearly I shouldn't. It's like a cleansing of the soul. It's like the sun has risen up on a clear morning and the hazy clouds have parted.

My inner thoughts come to the surface and I finally act on them. As much as it's painful to do , the realisation that no matter how hard you try some people are only meant to be in your life for a short period of time . The cracks that showed before are still there. No bandage will cover them. Any words Spoken are still empty of true meaning. Some people hope and dream for something special , but in reality it takes more effort than they are willing to make. 

Other people make the effort , but my heart does not beat fast for them. The feelings can't be forced. The reason it never worked in the past lost in a haze. It's like meeting a stranger but knowing something stops you connecting with them. 

My night out makes me realise I have some true friends. People who came into my life to not be partners in love but partners in crime. Those fun nights out drinking , putting the world to rights, laughing and just enjoying the time together. You say goodbye knowing you may not meet up again for a while but can still pick up where you left off. They don't judge your life choices and I don't judge theirs. You are both just happy to find a kindred spirit to let loose with. 

I want more of these times. I've spent too long looking for someone to devote my whole time too. Don't get me wrong. I still want that. I just want friends around me to share moments with more. So then when I do finally find that elusive beating heart they are there to share my joy. 

Who wants to be happy but lonely ? Not me for sure. 

Valentines Day

Nowadays I don't really take much notice of Valentines day. Don't get me wrong I love romance, but don't see why it should be just displayed for one specific day a year only.  Love shouldn't be forced into a public display of who got the best red roses, or got whisked away for an overpriced stay in a hotel because its Valentines day. Its a private thing between two (or more - I'm open minded!) people.
Thing is when you are single any special day can make you feel as low and unloved as Valentines day. Going to weddings with no plus one, being the odd one out at meals, going home to an empty house, no one to curl up to on the sofa at Christmas to watch old movies with. Any day can feel like a dagger to your heart not just the one special day of seeing everyone else's roses and chocolate pictures on social media.
God I'm coming across all miserable and depressed ! The thing is I am not. Well I don't think I am.Or am I ? Who knows ! What I do know is my head and heart sends me mixed messages all the time.
Yes I do want someone in my life, full time, committed to a life together as a couple.
But I also worry or panic about loosing my independence. My me time. Those days I can just sit around all day with my hair pulled back in a ponytail, in tracksuit bottoms and sloppy top, just being me. When I can watch trash on the tele, or eat chocolate or cry for no reason without being questioned as to why.
I never feel lonely in those moments. I just feel like I'm chilling out, relaxing,  zoning out from this crazy fast paced world we live in.
But then sometimes I worry about spending the rest of my days alone. Becoming a recluse with only the tv and internet as her friends.
Maybe I am hard work ! My brain cant seem to cope with me so how could anyone else ! Maybe I put too much pressure onto something being perfect. Looking for that connection on a higher level than just two people who get on. Should I still be craving and searching for that heart warming feeling, that butterflies in your tummy feeling at my age? Should I just settle for someone I get on with?
And that my friends is the million dollar question !

New Year New Horizons ?

Its been a while avid readers! Sorry for my delay in writing a new blog, although on the plus side that normally means my dating life is running smoothly! 

Well it was, but then here I am back again ! This time nothing dramatic, just a friendship that is best left as a friendship. 

So 2016 what will you have in store for me ? Probably much of the same as the previous Years! Already I have encountered the usual suspects. Guys who blow really hot and want to meet up, then vanish without a trace. Or the one that goes "Sorry babe got a few family dramas going on, I'm going to have to cancel out date" This "family drama" then makes them incapable of texting ever again. Seriously just be honest! Its easier all round and everyone knows where they stand. This line always leads me to think I must be superhuman. I have stress coming at me from all angles- Work, parents, and daughter of nearly 18 Years old who appears not to learn from her mothers mistakes (or listen to her advise !)  Yes I admit some days I just want to go home curl up in a ball and tell the world to do one whilst I cry my heart out. But that doesn't render me incapable of still going on dates or even replying to messages! I am woman hear me roar! 

So what gem of a story can I tell you today? What have we not heard before?

How about the one where I spotted an ex on Tinder . Nothing wrong with that except he is "supposedly" happy and settled with new kids since 2013 ! Out of fun I clicked yes and so had he !

Or the one where I received a message from a guy who's initial picture looked promising. Until you flicked to the second one which showed a her ! Turned out "they" were looking for a lady to start a relationship with together ! I politely replied to his message with a "I believe I have stumbled into something I don't want to be a part of thanks "

Or the one where when asked why he only had one badly taken out of focus photo on his profile he replied with "have you ever tried to take a photo of yourself?" Er Yes ! That's what reverse cameras & timers on smart phones are for! Or failing that if you are shockingly bad with technology why not ask a friend ! 

Or the guy who has as his only profile pic a naked shot of the rear of him . Or the guy who has taken a photo in his kitchen, using a full length mirror  which shows him sitting on a chair in just his pants and socks !!  Seriously !! 

Please excuse me whilst I curl up into a ball and hide ! 

Saying Goodbye

Every time I meet a new man I always go in hoping he will be the final first date.  I always hope things will work out. I pray to every god known to man (because with my track record one god will never have enough power to change my luck) that this will be the start of something wonderful. So when I meet someone I get on with its a great start. You start looking forward, wishing hoping etc. Things move on and you continue to date each other. But then you start to notice that something just isn't right. That final piece of the jigsaw, the spark, isn't there. Try as you might you can't work out what it is that is wrong. If you get asked you can't put it into words.
These times are the worst. Two people had high hopes. Now someone has to whip the blanket out from under the other person and hurt them. I hate this more than anything. The thing is no one has done anything particularly wrong. You both like each others company, you laugh, joke, feel comfortable with each other. But deep down there is that nagging feeling. I know at that point if I continue dating this guy I will be miserable. In turn I will make his life miserable. I have to call time. I hate myself at this point.
Its easier to end it with someone for a definite reason. Be it they snore, they are rude, tight with their time or money, self centred, lazy or whatever. But to end it for what is at the end of the day just a "feeling" is heart breaking.  I probably come across as being a right heartless cow at this point to the other person. Its just I know the more time they spend with me stops them being able to meet the person they truly can be happy with.
Saying goodbye is tough. Moving on is tougher. In this day and age its so easy to check up on past loves, to put yourself through the emotional wind turbine when you see they are happy with someone else. You know in your heart that you couldn't make them happy, its still a feeling of being somehow broken. "Is it me that's damaged/in the wrong/too demanding?" flies through your head. You kick yourself for snooping in on them. But it doesn't stop you repeating the action again !

For various reasons I have this Year had to say "Goodbye" to a few people. In fact I doubt they will be the last ones I have to let go. So I have decided to be strong. I am going to wipe them from my phone, block them on Facebook and stop myself from looking back. Some people will remain in my life as friends. Others have become a noose around my neck. All those empty promises they made must be forgotten about. Stored in a box somewhere to allow me to move on. There have been times I wish I could name and shame a few people and shout from the roof tops "Oi you Mr (insert name). You are an arse. You hurt my feelings badly. Repeatedly. I was stupid to give you another chance. Now do one" But as much as I really want to, it doesn't achieve anything.

I have realised in writing this blog for the last few years it has helped me deal with things. These experiences become a story, not always with a happy ending mind you. But it makes it easier to deal with emotionally. Its not that I don' t take all this hurt seriously. I don't play with peoples emotions intentionally to write a story. It is just that it makes it easier to look back and end the chapter. Helps me leave the baggage at the last station rather than carry it with me to my next destination.