Saying Goodbye

Every time I meet a new man I always go in hoping he will be the final first date.  I always hope things will work out. I pray to every god known to man (because with my track record one god will never have enough power to change my luck) that this will be the start of something wonderful. So when I meet someone I get on with its a great start. You start looking forward, wishing hoping etc. Things move on and you continue to date each other. But then you start to notice that something just isn't right. That final piece of the jigsaw, the spark, isn't there. Try as you might you can't work out what it is that is wrong. If you get asked you can't put it into words.
These times are the worst. Two people had high hopes. Now someone has to whip the blanket out from under the other person and hurt them. I hate this more than anything. The thing is no one has done anything particularly wrong. You both like each others company, you laugh, joke, feel comfortable with each other. But deep down there is that nagging feeling. I know at that point if I continue dating this guy I will be miserable. In turn I will make his life miserable. I have to call time. I hate myself at this point.
Its easier to end it with someone for a definite reason. Be it they snore, they are rude, tight with their time or money, self centred, lazy or whatever. But to end it for what is at the end of the day just a "feeling" is heart breaking.  I probably come across as being a right heartless cow at this point to the other person. Its just I know the more time they spend with me stops them being able to meet the person they truly can be happy with.
Saying goodbye is tough. Moving on is tougher. In this day and age its so easy to check up on past loves, to put yourself through the emotional wind turbine when you see they are happy with someone else. You know in your heart that you couldn't make them happy, its still a feeling of being somehow broken. "Is it me that's damaged/in the wrong/too demanding?" flies through your head. You kick yourself for snooping in on them. But it doesn't stop you repeating the action again !

For various reasons I have this Year had to say "Goodbye" to a few people. In fact I doubt they will be the last ones I have to let go. So I have decided to be strong. I am going to wipe them from my phone, block them on Facebook and stop myself from looking back. Some people will remain in my life as friends. Others have become a noose around my neck. All those empty promises they made must be forgotten about. Stored in a box somewhere to allow me to move on. There have been times I wish I could name and shame a few people and shout from the roof tops "Oi you Mr (insert name). You are an arse. You hurt my feelings badly. Repeatedly. I was stupid to give you another chance. Now do one" But as much as I really want to, it doesn't achieve anything.

I have realised in writing this blog for the last few years it has helped me deal with things. These experiences become a story, not always with a happy ending mind you. But it makes it easier to deal with emotionally. Its not that I don' t take all this hurt seriously. I don't play with peoples emotions intentionally to write a story. It is just that it makes it easier to look back and end the chapter. Helps me leave the baggage at the last station rather than carry it with me to my next destination.

A grown up goodbye

Sometimes things happen for a reason. And other times things don't happen for a reason. Its sad when all your initial hopes and dreams fall down around you, but its better to be honest with each other, wish each other well and move along.
The important thing when this happens is how you deal with it. Act like a grown up, no matter how much it upsets you, or winds you up or makes you feel depressed and a failure or rejected. There is nothing worse than a bad parting, no matter how short or long the length of time you have known each other. No one plans to let someone down, or dash their dreams. In short its just life and another twist in the road.
Two people who continue blindly with a relationship, even in its early stages, just to try and prove a point, or just because they don't want to be alone are just lying to each other and themselves. Eventually it will fall apart, and further down the line is always more emotional. Why lie about your beliefs or feelings ? It always comes out in the end. Be truthful to yourself and treat others as you wish to be treated.

Don't reduce yourself to trading insults or accusing others of leading you on. Be graceful in defeat and just reflect on it as a short detour to your final destination.
I have met a lot of nice guys over the last few years, but for whatever reason we have not continued onto a lasting romance. Each one is a new chapter in my life story, a short paragraph or a whole section. No one knows where we will end up as we all walk this life not knowing what or who is around the corner.

So here's a big thanks to all the nice guys I have met, and wish them well in their lives. They have all influenced me in some way or another and helped me find my true path.

History repeating itself

As Shirley Bassey once sung my life feels " like history repeating itself". I seem to be having the dating equivalent of groundhog day! Its a continual round of no hopers and no shows.  The ones that show up I wish didn't, and the ones who vanish before the arranged date are the ones I wish did appear. Like I mentioned in my last blog post I would rather someone be truthful than leave me hanging.
The latest one seemed very keen , kept me up till nearly 2am texting and was in contact till lunchtime of the arranged evening date. Then boom - all contact severed ! I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was busy and then I get a response to my asking " I don't wanna go getting myself all gorgeous if you going to stand me up" saying "I'm a bit stuck at the moment, looking at a flat" . Okay fair dos, so I ask a bit later (an hour before the arranged date) "I don't want to be a pain but I'm sort of in limbo here! Shall I get ready or not?" 

Guess what? An hour later at the allotted date time still no answer! Now either its a whopping big flat, or his phone has died, or he is out of signal, or he has had an accident or a giant Godzilla type creature tried to kill him or the more likely answer, he has changed his mind. Now as ever I always give someone a chance just in case there is an honest reason why he hasn't even text to say "I'm sorry babe but ...." But come on! Jesus lads grow some blooming balls!
My spare time is precious to me and very limited. My nights when I'm free to go and meet people I value dearly and do not like to be left at the last minute with the whole evening wasted. If I was a bloke I could probably just go down my local pub on my own and meet girls, but as a girl I  can't do that. Society dictates that if I did that I would have a reputation (okay maybe I have one of those already but I haven't sunk that far yet!)
Once again I vow don't let the buggers get you down and bounce back up again ready for the next round!