A clear head and an open heart

After a night out comes the hangover. A day wasted recovering. But the day after that is always a reflective one on my part. Not that I have done anything wrong on my night out. More that it sharpens my mind to how I waste time or energy on people who clearly I shouldn't. It's like a cleansing of the soul. It's like the sun has risen up on a clear morning and the hazy clouds have parted.

My inner thoughts come to the surface and I finally act on them. As much as it's painful to do , the realisation that no matter how hard you try some people are only meant to be in your life for a short period of time . The cracks that showed before are still there. No bandage will cover them. Any words Spoken are still empty of true meaning. Some people hope and dream for something special , but in reality it takes more effort than they are willing to make. 

Other people make the effort , but my heart does not beat fast for them. The feelings can't be forced. The reason it never worked in the past lost in a haze. It's like meeting a stranger but knowing something stops you connecting with them. 

My night out makes me realise I have some true friends. People who came into my life to not be partners in love but partners in crime. Those fun nights out drinking , putting the world to rights, laughing and just enjoying the time together. You say goodbye knowing you may not meet up again for a while but can still pick up where you left off. They don't judge your life choices and I don't judge theirs. You are both just happy to find a kindred spirit to let loose with. 

I want more of these times. I've spent too long looking for someone to devote my whole time too. Don't get me wrong. I still want that. I just want friends around me to share moments with more. So then when I do finally find that elusive beating heart they are there to share my joy. 

Who wants to be happy but lonely ? Not me for sure. 

Saying Goodbye

Every time I meet a new man I always go in hoping he will be the final first date.  I always hope things will work out. I pray to every god known to man (because with my track record one god will never have enough power to change my luck) that this will be the start of something wonderful. So when I meet someone I get on with its a great start. You start looking forward, wishing hoping etc. Things move on and you continue to date each other. But then you start to notice that something just isn't right. That final piece of the jigsaw, the spark, isn't there. Try as you might you can't work out what it is that is wrong. If you get asked you can't put it into words.
These times are the worst. Two people had high hopes. Now someone has to whip the blanket out from under the other person and hurt them. I hate this more than anything. The thing is no one has done anything particularly wrong. You both like each others company, you laugh, joke, feel comfortable with each other. But deep down there is that nagging feeling. I know at that point if I continue dating this guy I will be miserable. In turn I will make his life miserable. I have to call time. I hate myself at this point.
Its easier to end it with someone for a definite reason. Be it they snore, they are rude, tight with their time or money, self centred, lazy or whatever. But to end it for what is at the end of the day just a "feeling" is heart breaking.  I probably come across as being a right heartless cow at this point to the other person. Its just I know the more time they spend with me stops them being able to meet the person they truly can be happy with.
Saying goodbye is tough. Moving on is tougher. In this day and age its so easy to check up on past loves, to put yourself through the emotional wind turbine when you see they are happy with someone else. You know in your heart that you couldn't make them happy, its still a feeling of being somehow broken. "Is it me that's damaged/in the wrong/too demanding?" flies through your head. You kick yourself for snooping in on them. But it doesn't stop you repeating the action again !

For various reasons I have this Year had to say "Goodbye" to a few people. In fact I doubt they will be the last ones I have to let go. So I have decided to be strong. I am going to wipe them from my phone, block them on Facebook and stop myself from looking back. Some people will remain in my life as friends. Others have become a noose around my neck. All those empty promises they made must be forgotten about. Stored in a box somewhere to allow me to move on. There have been times I wish I could name and shame a few people and shout from the roof tops "Oi you Mr (insert name). You are an arse. You hurt my feelings badly. Repeatedly. I was stupid to give you another chance. Now do one" But as much as I really want to, it doesn't achieve anything.

I have realised in writing this blog for the last few years it has helped me deal with things. These experiences become a story, not always with a happy ending mind you. But it makes it easier to deal with emotionally. Its not that I don' t take all this hurt seriously. I don't play with peoples emotions intentionally to write a story. It is just that it makes it easier to look back and end the chapter. Helps me leave the baggage at the last station rather than carry it with me to my next destination.

I hate being ignored

I have come to the conclusion I can deal with rejection a dam sight better than being ignored. Years of internet dating has taught me not to take it personally when things don't work out. Usually its me saying "I'm sorry but its just not going to go anywhere", although I have been told the same.
But the one thing I can't cope with is being ignored. It leaves you wondering where you stand, and there's nothing I hate more than someone not being man enough to tell you what exactly is going on.
Maybe its just me, maybe I'm a stress head, a control freak, or maybe it is just because I like to know who is walking the same path as me, by my side. I'm pretty good at reading the signs, but some people blow hot and cold and it is just too confusing even for lil old me!
Its not that I even want to know someones every move, just the simple things (as I've mentioned before) like knowing when you can see each other next, what you fancy doing, or even if you are having a bad day. As isn't that the point of a relationship? You are in it together and share the fun times and the burdens of life? Ease the load on each others shoulders?
Maybe I try too hard in trying to please people and loose sight of the real me.  But then maybe I'm not. Maybe I have just come to realise some people are better at hiding things than others. Although now I think about it, when someone is shying away from showing me attention it tends to mean they have shut me out already. If that's the case then they don't deserve my attention. We only get one life, and sometimes as much as its the hardest thing to do, you just have to walk away from people you care about. If they cant smile on their own and see whats in front of them, then you have to save yourself heart ache and walk the path alone.