Love, Lust and friendship

I am currently in the midst of a house move (hopefully) and whilst clearing out the cupboards I have had time to reflect on the last three years of living in my home. This is the first house myself and my daughter have lived in without the presence of a permanent  male. We have had our ups and downs but we have managed with most things - even general DIY! But as much as I have embraced my own company in between the dating and short lived relationships, I know I am still looking for my match.

I have decided to start dealing with people the same way I deal with my household and personal items. At home, instead of hanging on to items that haven't seen the light of day for 6-12 months, I am ruthless and I put these items out. But with people I tend to cling on in the hope they might actually fulfill there potential purpose. This includes friends as well as potential suitors. Sometimes I am strict in my ways, for instance if a guy I am talking to starts sending me unwanted rude photos, I block them. If a guy doesn't text on a regular basis and seem keen, or they cease communication I delete their numbers after a week.

The problem comes with guys I have dated, liked and lost. I always let them come back into my life, with their empty promises of
 "Oh Bonnie I'm sorry , I have no excuse for not being in touch"
or my personal favourite:
"I'm so stupid I have a stunning woman whom I'm crazy about and I cant get it right . I'm a twit"

I'll tell you who is the stupid one- me !! For not blocking your sorry arse out my life the last time you pulled that line on me! Seriously, whats wrong with my brain sometimes. I go soft and mushy and develop selective memory. Well no more. from now on the old saying :

is what I will love by. I will waste no more time on people who didn't live up to the mark the first time around. Life is too short for me to be wasting any more time on these idiots who after all are only after an ego boost. When it comes to actually proving they " love you" they seem to be lacking. Actions speak louder than words.

I have also come to realise maybe they way we approach dating is all wrong. Not so much in how you find a potential mate, but in how you move forward. So many times we fall for someone on looks or the date itself, as opposed to the important thing- the person they are inside. Anyone can buy nice clothes, take you to fancy restaurants, wine & dine you and shower you with goods. But would you still be interested when he or she is lazing around in their shorts and t-shirt at the weekend ? Could they keep your attention by talking about their day ? Do you even notice the little things in them? Their eye colour, the way they make a joke to ease the seriousness of a subject? How they like you to stroke their back or run your fingers up their arm to comfort them?
Maybe the best way is actually to be friends first. To learn about each other, what makes them tick. As opposed to how someone tries to impress you. Love is like a marathon, its not a short sprint. Burn out too quickly and once the glitter has gone, there is nothing left. Start at a steady relaxed pace, both being yourselves, and you find out if you really can make each other happy or if it is just a lustful need you want satisfied. An itch you need scratching. From now on I will be looking underneath the sugar coasting for the man I can curl up next to in my joggers and not be judged for it.
If he accepts me in my dungeree shorts- hes a true keeper!

Spring Horn

There seems to be a broken record playing on the dating sites at the moment. Its the same old classic , titled
"Let me show you your body parts " by horny male.

Heard of it ? I'm fed up to the back teeth of it ! It seems most males are currently only interested in what you are wearing, what they aren't wearing and what they could do to any female who shows them the remotest of interest.
Is it because the weather has got warmer? Is it like the mood swings us females get? Similar to the lunar "lunatic" cycle ? where all the Werewolves and nutters come out on a full moon?
I shall term this phenomenon as "spring  horn"




It begins with trading usual innocent messages, then they suggest chatting via KIK or some other instant message method. Then they decide the best way to impress you is to show you there manhood. As I have mentioned before, its not the prettiest male anatomy part and apart from at a strip show I don't think most normal women place any preference or interest to size. But these men seem to think it has special powers that will make you talk dirty to them and drop all your clothes on the floor to come see them in all their full glory!

Lads - if you want a woman like that look elsewhere ! I am not interested in how long it is measured up against your computer keyboard (Seriously I hope that man was using his own personal keyboard and not a shared work one! Or at the very least had some cleaning wipes to hand !) Maybe the world is missing the old Phone boxes. Its where you could find the business cards for women happy to take your cash to see your manhood.

Stone cold sober- or not

I admit chatting to someone for the first time can be nerve wracking. Its a selling game, you have to sell yourself, all your good points and cover over the cracks. Meeting in person can be an exciting nervous feeling- if you are at all interested in some one. I have found myself with butterflies in my stomach, or an attack of the giggles or frozen smile on more than one occasion. Those I class as good dates.

As we all know first impressions count. In truth with internet dating you only message someone if you find them attractive, and secondly if they seem genuinely to have something interesting to say.  Sometimes after a few messages or days the chat vanishes and we loose interest or move on to someone else. I never take this personally. Its just run its natural course of events. I'm sure I have done that to a few guys too.  The spark has to be there, and if the match burns out you cant re light it (bit like ex's really- maybe I should start thinking that simply when it comes to them !) There are also some massive easy do and don'ts when actually chatting to someone for the first time. Basics we all should know.
1.Use proper English and spell
2. Pay attention. - so you don't ask the same thing over and over again
3. Be up beat and happy- don't talk about ex's or how tough life is for you at the moment.
4. Don't communicate when drunk or under the influence of drugs.

Let me tell you an example of the last one:
Started chatting to a guy who looked pleasing to the eye. He had messaged me first so I thought Id see what he had to say. We exchanged a few simple joking light hearted messages on the dating site and then said I seemed fun and down to earth could he call me . Well I was bored at home so I gave him my number.
He called straight away. He seemed a bit nervous and kept laughing in middle of sentences. He didn't seem to have much of any substance to say and kept saying "yeah girl, yeah girl". The topic changed to the fact I had just had my bag stolen from my car and how when it was found all that was missing was £20. My phone, ipod, credit cards etc were all still there. I said I had a feeling I knew who did it and that she probably used my money to feed her weed habit. He replied "yeah babes well I have to admit I had a joint before I called you"

Don't get me wrong, that's up to him if he wants to do that.I certainly don't. But I suddenly realised that was why he was laughing and not making sense. He was saying things like "we been chatting for hours " when it had only been 10 minutes. Believe me it was the hardest longest ten minutes of my life!  He said he was nervous and never knows what to say or do around a woman. I politely told him having a smoke before making the first call was probably not a good idea.  I made my excuses and said goodbye.


I'm actually glad to say he hasn't been in contact since !

The difference between Women & Men

As time goes on and we all grow older (some of us less gracefully than others) it has struck me how men and women change  their  dating behavior. I'm not being mean but its always been an unwritten rule that women think and men just do. But the tide is changing. Women have become more empowered as the years have gone on. The times are long gone where a woman with stay in an unhappy relationship because they were worried they couldn't survive- physically, mentally and financially. But now we are starting to realise we can change a light bulb and fend for ourselves and are finding the power to take back control of the Television remote !

So what does this mean in the world of dating? Well it seems to mean that women are more determined to get what they want and from who they want when they want it. All power to the female revolution ! Go girls ! Go out there and grab life by the balls so to speak. Don't get walked over by men and bow down to their every command. If you don't want to watch football on a Sunday as there is a film on or you want to go out for a romantic woodland walk- tell him. If you don't like the way he picks his nose- tell him. We have the confidence to know that if he wants to be with us he will be, and if he doesn't like what we say he's not worthy of your attention or love. That doesn't mean to say I'm suggesting we pick faults all the time, none of us are perfect we all have flaws in our nature and behaviour. 

As for the male species- how are they evolving? Well it seems they have discovered a new function and part of their anatomy- the under used brain ! Men seem to have developed the power of thought ! They can think for themselves now and are spending far too much time thinking ahead and analyzing their feelings. 

Whoa !!! Hold up there ! Men are not supposed to think with their brains- they tend to lead with their lower body region! Women for years have wired their actions into this belief. If a woman wanted a man to do anything- they used their bodies power of persuasion to get what they want. Now it appears we have to start acting differently. Women can spend ages analysing a single text message- 'what does this mean,what are they trying to say' and now we have to try and think two steps ahead of a man (lets face it we are always one step ahead anyway!). The most common sentence I have started to hear is "I've been thinking" and from the mouth of a man that's a pretty scary concept!

So whats my advise? Well I plan to try and out wit these thinkers, and use my woman's intuition to be ahead of the game, to see the sentence before its even formed in their brains. To engage their thought process along another avenue to stop them thinking. To walk away if the pauses between sentences become too long. 

And my advise for men out there:

Stop thinking- just do !

   

School boy error

I've mentioned the pit falls of photos on profiles before. Unfortunately as its the first part of your on line dating profile anyone takes notice of (closely followed by where you live, age and job title !) you have to make sure you sell yourself well.
My current profile photo is a bit risque, not rude but just attention grabbing. So far it hasn't changed the amount or type of attention I get in a negative way so that's all good. If you got it flaunt it is always a good motto to have !
So as a seasoned pro dater I stumbled across a school boy error made by someone on their profile photos.
I happened to see he had viewed my profile so I returned the favour:

Local lad- tick
Easy on the eye - tick
Age range-tick 
Drives -tick









So what did he do wrong I hear you ask. Well a couple of his photos he had snatched off of his Facebook page, and off someone else's page. How do I know this? Well because at the bottom of the photo was the name of the page owner. His name and in the other one a girls name.
So as a good detective I searched him out on Facebook. On his semi public profile this photo shows up. Nothing wrong with that. On the ladies profile is the other photo in one of her albums. So wheres the problem?
Well for a guy who claims to be single his Cover picture on Facebook is of him and this lady cuddled together ! From a quick scope of his page it appears she lives/works away in another part of the country and he's travelling back and forth to see her .

So Dr Watson we can deduce that whilst the cats away the mouse will play !
When I mentioned this to someone today he said "Yeah well I did something similar when I was in my early twenties " That's the point- in your early twenties we all do things along these lines. But in your late thirties early forties (I hate to admit I am now in that category !) surely we have found our morals and shouldn't be hurting people.

Who am I to judge? As to be fair I suppose I was snooping onto his private facebook page. So long as he doesn't contact me its no skin off my nose . Just feel sorry for the females involved.

How long have you been on the shelf ?

The other day in conversation someone bought up the fact that four years on from the break up of their marriage they couldn't believe they weren't settled down again .
"Try 14 Years " I replied with, semi jokingly.

Until I sat back and thought about it.
Seriously my marriage broke up 14 Years ago. In the last 14 Years what on earth has happened to me in affairs of the heart? Actually that should read what on earth hasn't happened to me !?
I've been there done that on most things (do not read that statement as an admission to being a loose woman so to speak !) I have found myself dating, living with partners,being cheated on,dating, breaking up, dating, lied to, dating again, etc etc. And still I'm not in a long term committed relationship.
Jesus have I got slightly depressed with that thought ! (Thank you to the person who mentioned it- I will punch you next time I see you!)

I had never really looked back on my life that way. I have always been in every situation and relationship and hoped that "this is my fairy tale ending" (finally). But for whatever reason it is yet to happen.
Maybe I am on that road to that ending, maybe this blog is the path I have to travel . The bonus of writing is I can look back and laugh or weep as the case may be, as to how I have come so far. How I have evolved, discovered myself and what I want in life.
And yes after 14 years I do want to settle down. I haven't given up hope of that happy ending. I want to be with someone who loves me But I don't want a boring life. I want to wake up and go on mini adventures, days out, sit and laugh with my other half, and grow old disgracefully. Most of all I want someone who is next to me every step of the journey. Some one who in the words of Katie Perry "I will love unconditionally." Some one whose soul matches mine and whose eyes I can stare into and feel loved and wanted.
Not much for a kookie little girl like me to ask for surely ?

Well that serves me right !

There was I gushing about how great my life was, how I had met a great man and things were looking up !

Well guess what ?! I'm single again !

What happened ? To be honest I'm not entirely sure and i wont go in to massive detail about it as I have promised to stay friends. Lets just say it didn't work out, his decision not mine.

So here I am, in the week before my 40th birthday, and I'm single again !

But like all good Tiggers I will come back bouncing higher than before. Besides this is my 40th birthday year, gives me a valid excuse to behave like an idiot all year !

So here we go again on the dating carousel. Where it stops nobody knows. I am sure along the way I will meet some amazing ,mad, nutty , stupid, single minded idiots, but thats part of the fun !





Oh look, it didn't take long- already had one ask to take me down the marshes !

Gotta love online dating !